I want to tell everyone about my love for atlassian products and jira align and confluence ooohh ohhohooh i love them so much im an enthusiast i love making burndown charts ohohoohoh im so FUCKING ALIGNED RIGHT NOW oooh give me my quarterly sprint reports i neeeeeeeed to know how many tickets im carrying over 
WOW omg CONFLUENCE you really wis my wig IF YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN
ohoohohohoohohoo sprint ceremony to the grave baaabbyyyyeeeeeeeee OHOOHOHOHOHOHO
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My sister in law is getting fired from their C-suite in a few months, and I can’t stop laughing. She’s been responsible for thousands of people there losing their jobs in the interest of quarterly profits, and suddenly thinks it’s unfair when it happens to her. She’s one of the most sickeningly pro-capitalist workers I’ve ever met. Everything she talks about is either money or status.
Make sure your tickets are critical path this estimate is too long I cant present that to 17 layers of heirarchy can you get it done in a week we need to meet our goals for end of year performance review wowowow work 25 hour days every day forever to deliver nothing of value to nobody and it doesnt even make the business any money wowowowowo wowweeee i love my job im so engaged in this meeting wowowow my office attendance is so high
“Capitalism is the most efficient way to allocate resources” says the office worker with 12 layers of management
one time I went to an afternoon work training/presentation organized by PMs where we watched a video called “measuring what matters” which was the most unbelievably vapid business shit you’ve ever heard of in your life. At the end a PM was like “and we will send you a summary email including a link to this video if you want to watch it again!” and I looked him right in the eye from the audience and shook my head; his face actually fell
I enjoy annoying PMs since all bar one have just been useless bean counters. I have largely been able to do my job just fine without them
A good PM serves to deflect blame and criticism from the team actually doing the work. A great one is one who knows this and only this is their role, and play accordingly.
I have worked with exactly one maybe two pms like this I miss them dearly. The rest have just aimed to make my life much worse
measuring what matters
have you measured this pig’s gigantic balls perhaps?
That’s it. I won’t stand for this slander.
I’m Hexbear’s agile coach now and I’m going to put the organize in “Organize!”
- All posts must directly link to a user story and be approved by the scrum master and product owner
- every news mega needs to culminate in a retrospective, where we determine what news was actually important the past week and discuss what news will be important next week
- critical stakeholders need to keep holding their stakes in case of vampires
- users are reminded to conduct all chatting in the main mega thread for easy reference later
- if a wild
appears, notify your scrum master so they can reprioritize the sprint before you start dunking - planning strip poker is mandatory
- the best effort post is the own that gets posted, let’s all focus on minimum viable posts. We can dig deeper in the comments.
We need a daily standup to discuss posting blockers but actually its just a status update to the admins on the progress of our posts
I have a couple hard blockers I was banned from lemmygrad for defending anarchism and banned from db0 for defending communism we can schedule a meeting to discuss but I have a hard stop an hour and a half before EOD because I’m planning to get banned from hexbear for defending electoralism
don’t forget to move your tickets on the kanban board after completing them 🙂
You know what’s great? Watching an org with little to no project management discipline of any sort try repeatedly to “implement Agile” by moving all workflows into Azure DevOps. (First of all, a quick aside: I despise the name of that tool because it has fuck all to do with the practice of, you know, DevOps.) There’s no gatekeeper watching the inbound defect tickets to make sure end users aren’t just entering random gibberish and assigning it to their favorite pet developer, so there’s this massive backlog of tickets that are basically “our form is broken, we need things to make it go” and all of them are assigned to the wrong dev team.
Does that stop the army of middle managers from building timelines and stats based on those tickets with completely fabricated estimates? You bet your ass it doesn’t.
Mr. Xi, please send the nukes.
no gods no sprint masters
Oh shit oh fuck im gonna BIG ROOM PLANNING AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. MY TICKETS ARE REFINED OH THEYRE SO REFINED THEYRE READY FOR IN PROGRESS AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
This ticket is a Staffordshire Bull Terrier.
Bring back kanban boards made out of post it notes and a wall with tape on it.
Posits under my monitor and a notebook was the way of life. We have strayed so far from god
Oooh im dog fooding ooh my yak is shaved its so smooth my yak wow omg lets loop around the bush and fondle this over review meeting wow
If the bike shed isn’t red I’m quitting
Let’s set up a Teams call and Pareto it out!
You don’t want to reference this business critical confluence page that was last updated in 2019 and references tech stacks we don’t use?
You can do how my team does where we have Jira but my manager instead takes adhoc requirement calls without taking notes or creating a ticket and tells us “work on this part” then forgets a week later and ask “what are you working on?”
I seem to be the only person with memory more than 24 hours and i wish i didnt
It’s really a curse because then everyone relies on you for information
You want a new flavor of evil? I was required to document all my work into confluence, using standards and ideas that came from software development.
I worked at an NGO. We helped connect indigenous peoples to agricultural projects.
