“I cleared bandwidth to lead a higher impact project”
No, don’t say that! Say “I hurkledurked the dooper bobble.” It means exactly the same thing (nothing,) but using the business jargon of the 2030s so you stay ahead of the trend.
They have a point though. They are telling you to phrase things in a way that makes you look better.
How does speaking like a braindead MBA make you look better?
Because that’s the target audience of the speech.
Stooping to new lows do be the 2026 mantra
How else are you going to become an executive and have all the
slavesemployees do whatever you want?Because generally you’re justifying your promotion to an MBA anymore. The days of being promoted purely on merit because your boss understands the work you do are LONG gone.
A lot of these examples also seem to require you to function differently, or to lie about what you’ve been doing.
Like how during the war on terror, we didn’t torture people, we interrogated them using enhanced methods.
It doesn’t make you look better if you’re shirking your own work to work on stuff other people want you to do. “Clearing bandwidth for the important task” is a fancy way of saying you’re making someone else do your work so you can work on something that someone else considers a higher priority.
Seen that bite helpers in the ass more than once.
It kind of sounds like they’re advising you to ditch responsibilities that you don’t think matter in favor of more important-seeming ones, which is the kind of fucked up ladder climbing and damn the consequences that puts sociopaths in most of the positions of power in the world.
Executive turned executive coach = They got fired and couldn’t find a job, so now they say their a coach and try to scam people with useless advice.
100% I’ve seen it happen
Wait I can lose my job and then make money as a “life couch” ? Where can I find followers. I have a lot to teach.
Lol @ #4
That can quickly lead to “Why are you overstepping/ignoring your duties to go over management’s head? We have a chain of command you need to respect” then get you targeted and creatively fired.
You have to do any of these with a load more tact than the management wet dream infographic suggests
Like that really should be “be good at predicting your boss’ wants so you can be proactive” or “start work immediately on new work, and talk about it; slack off later, first impressions are better than results”
#7 lol
Don’t say: “I quit”
why? Quitting demonstrates that you are not passionate about your role
Say: “I exist to serve the company”
Why does the illustrated woman on the list look like the stonks meme?
SLAVRY
I’m guessing it’s AI generated, but could be a stock image
*stonk image
There’s a few weird bullet points in there (the fact that it tells you you shouldn’t be happy to be where you’re at being one 🙄), but, all in all, I wouldn’t call qualify this as “LinkedIn lunacy” for once.
You have no business leading a team if you say things like “this is not my job” on the regular and deflect responsibility and lack direction more generally.
Don’t say: “Please don’t fuck me.”
Say: “Sure , but get it in real deep and don’t use lube.”
❌ Don’t say: ‘I don’t want a promotion’.
❔Why: you do want to work more for a proportionally small salary increase.
✅ Say: ‘I will be pleased to eat shit now both ways for a couple more dollars’.
I assure you, I am qualified to both eat shit and also to serve shit to my team, in quantities you could hardly fathom. I have my bib on and everything, we’ve streamlined the process so I eat the shit and spray it directly from my ass into the team’s mouths, we’ve overcome process inefficiencies to deliver high impact fecal geysers, empowering the team’s ability to onboard more fecal content into their own shit production.
It’s a thing of fuckin’ beauty, if you can get past the smell. Most don’t, but they aren’t the team players now, are they?
I work for an international company that locally clears 20-35 million year with 20 employees. They asked me to help them move hundreds of thousands of dollars in inventory in the warehouse while we switch buildings. I said, “That ain’t me, dude.”
Did it have a positive impact? Just curious.
No one cared. It’s terribly mismanaged.
Is hundreds of thousands of dollars of inventory a lot of inventory?
Depending on the nature of the inventory it could be anything between one machine to a full warehouse. I feel we’d appreciate your comment better if we knew that, and what your normal role in the company is.Irrespective of the amount of inventory, it’s something you may damage while moving, making it your problem, when it’s not even your job
True
It’s heavy and a few days worth of work.
1: Oh my God I’m such an idiot! All this time I’ve been doing my actual job when I should have ignored it in favour of doing stuff I’m not certified, qualified, or supposed to do! Right. Starting tomorrow, I’ll only do stuff I’m not supposed to be doing. I’m sure to get a promotion now!
putting “why” before “say” is an interesting choice
Why sayest thou?
I’d rather masturbate with barbed wire than say any of that garbage.
Don’t say: truth Instead say: lie
Also work yourself to death for our profits
Instead say: lie
A lie with added ✨business business✨
cool, I guess I will switch back to trading shitcoins if this is what everyone expects because I am definitely not cut to jerk off a manager providing infinitely less value than me
Good work gets rewarded with more work
