My brother is coming to visit in a few days, and I want to come out to him, but I am also absolutely terrified. How did y’all handle coming out to your families?
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My strategy is more or less: tell no one, wait until the transition is far enough progressed that people will have a really hard time calling you by your earlier pronouns. at a certain point, it happens automatically.
Apologies if this isn’t welcome. If its not welcome, I’ll delete. I’m a brother that was “came out” to, and I can tell you how it went:
I had already started to see the changes in how they dressed and carried themselves in the months prior. Most importantly, I could see how much happier they were. They asked to meet for lunch one day, which I happily accepted. Clearly nervous, she told me for the first time that she was trans. I could see the fear on her face waiting for a reply. I immediately told her I fully supported her, her choice didn’t negatively affect me in any way, and that I loved her just the same as I had before. The relief washed across her face immediately. Oh, the tacos we were having for lunch were really good too!
I hope your brother is equally receptive.
No, it is very much welcome! I sometimes wonder if any of my family have started to pick up clues. Or maybe they think I am growing my hair, painting my nails, and shaving all the time in a very cis way lol. Thank you for sharing, and I hope my brother is as rad as you are!
I tested the waters by telling them I was bisexual and when that didn’t go over well and didn’t show any sign of improving, I just cut them out of my life.
With my friend, though, my found family, I told him I was bi and he cared so little (I think that he said, ‘oh, okay’ and moved back to making dinner) that it really threw me off. I was expecting like… a whole thing. So when I decided to transition, I was determined to surprise him. I just didn’t say anything until I moved far enough into my transition to feel like I had some results, then I visited without telling him. He straight up didn’t recognize me, haha.
Honestly, I just made them sit (my parents) and asked them to hear me out and not stop me until I’m done talking. Didn’t go as planned but the result was not the worst. Prepared a text to have a guideline.
I had plan B just in case I was kicked out.
My brother and sister already knew since I knew they would be allies.
Having a script, or at least just an outline, sounds like a good idea. I almost don’t know what I would say beyond “so, I’m trans. Please call me [real name] and use she/her pronouns from now on.”
I just have a hard time knowing what info people need to know, but also not wanting to trigger a bad reaction? I don’t know, it always feels like such a dice roll, the uncertainty is so scary.
Honestly. I tried to point out how happier I was now and that I already started my transition. Basically they could not dissuade me. I also pointed out how I hoped they would be alright with my transition. And added that my brother and sister already knew and are supportive.
(And… also that my divorce was not a result of my transition but the affirmation of the self - which led to my transition- … I’ve denied my own identity in my previous relationship and prioritized the happiness of my ex-wife and did what I felt was necessary for the couple to work…)
I plan on not handling it until it can’t be hidden anymore.
I will say nothing and then one day when I feel I’m far enough in I’ll just switch completely and say nothing.
They’ll either adjust or they won’t.
It’s not worth the headache and bullshit if I sit everyone down. I’d rather just rip the bandaid off.
This is how I’m intending to handle my family too
I told my parents by email (I live halfway around the world from them), and my immediate family and coworkers in person. Everyone else got my new name at most when I next met them – they’ll figure it out, or not, in their own time.
I suggest:
- say what you are doing (eg, “I am going to live as a woman from now on”)
- say what you expect of them (eg, “I’d like you to call me Twilight Sparkle”)
- then shut up and wait for a response
And if you’re not expecting it to go well,
- don’t try to justify it
- don’t argue
- don’t bargain or downplay it
- be prepared to just leave
Good luck!
ink and cardstock!!
honestly just went “well its gotta happen after some time” so we just decided to send it. we were a bit of a very extremely nervous wreck with us posting this in the morning but it went well in the end. still was very much a late night impulse hehe, in fact we wrote the note the night before so we didn’t have the time to convince ourselves it was a bad idea in the morning.
(mothers reaction was, pretty much she was not surprised at all. sister was completely dumbfounded at how she didn’t realize…)
To be honest it was easier to get them to understand that I’m a witch than it was to understand I’m NonBinary. Though that’s probably because I still present very feminine and in many ways I still am a woman. I just explained it to them and continued to correct them when they got my pronouns wrong, and eventually they got it.
I would suggest being direct and just telling him, also presenting however you prefer to present can help. If you present differently than before.
By and large by dressing in really fem clothes and letting them figure it out. But I did just sit my mom down and tell her because I wanted that bomb cleared first. I might have given my Dad too much credit, but he didn’t explode or anything so mission success IG.
3am text message to parents I knew would support me, do as I say not as I do lol
i would have a plan b if things are shaky already with support, dont risk anything if you are in danger of being kicked out or worse. have a sit down talk with them, theyll understand or they won’t. once you explain yourself its up to them to process it
Haha I will try stop myself from doing as you do in this case! I am only a little jealous that you knew they would support you.
Luckily, I live on my own with my wife, so they can’t kick me out, but they could cut ties if they want to (and I would prefer they didn’t). But yeah, that’s a good point. After they find out, it’s up to them. And there are plenty of people that I’m already out to who don’t have a problem with it, so it’s not a me thing, if they don’t process it well.
if they cut you off for being trans its kinda a non starter to begin with (for me anyway, you’re totally valid to think otherwise). its who you are as a person and you can’t change that, theyll find out eventually on their own
Very very poorly lol. I tried to give my mom my coming out letter, but it wound up in a long conversation where I was evasive and eventually came out. My father got the letter (it was not a good letter, I was young and emotional and wrote it in a burst of courage and emotion) and while he wouldn’t’ve likely responded well no matter how I came out, I’ve always wondered a bit if how I did it influenced his decision to stop talking to me. Meanwhile I was going to come out to my sister with a stupid pun so my mom outed me to her.
But yeah, pull him aside and be honest. It’s scary but simple and honest vulnerability is far better than the crap I did. That’s what I did with a friend, who was so supportive that a few years later he thought to respond to it with a statement of acceptance (he’d been nothing but supportive in those years lol)
