It’s amazing but emotionally frustrating. The problem with your partner actually always being right is that you feel like you never win or that your perspective may not be properly heard. The flip side is you don’t have stupid arguments thst you didn’t bring the stupid to and that’s also awesome, but rough on the self esteem. Definitely requires learning better emotional processing so you actually understand the need or emotion at the core of what you’re saying/requesting
Well yeah, it’s the emotional come down from it. Being mad isn’t just a logical state, its a biochemically based emotion. It doesn’t go away immediately, you gotta take a breather and process your emotions as they cool off. As that’s happening you can feel steamrolled or like you aren’t being listened to because the reason for the argument isn’t actually the thing, it’s that you had a need and you got into it about the thing because that seemed a way to get the need met. And like, yeah, that’s a skill you need to learn regardless, but it’s basically a form of relationship where there’s no excuses and you feel like you’re always the unreasonable one.
And yeah, this has been how the first two or three years of my relationship with my wife forced me to git gud. Way better than stupid fights, but yeah it was not easy as someone who had had a disorganized attachment style that leaned anxious.
Your perspective is irrelevant when it comes to facts. It only matters when it’s about your personal experience, and there are no sources you can cite to contradict those experiences.
I’ve gotten in the habit of being wrong occasionally on purpose so my wife is less frustrated. Kinda like how drug dog handlers will plant the occasional drug if it’s been too long without a bust, so the dogs don’t get depressed.
EDIT: Not on people. That’s a totally separate thing. I’m talking about officers posing as suspects. Probably thinking of bombs anyway.
The problem with your partner actually always being right
Unlikely, they’re probably picking their fights, and/or doing prior research. Either way, if you can’t face being wrong, you can’t learn, and that’s on you. Do the emotional work until you can and learn to research yourself, few things are black and white, your side may well have good arguments and references itself, you’ll never know until you look.
This will likely be either very good or very bad for your relationship.
I’m the kind of guy who will look stuff up. I think it’s really important to admit when you’re wrong and the other person was right. Don’t move goal posts or claim you misunderstood. Just own it.
Like I was having a debate with my partner about if it was faster to go all the way up and over, or make a lot of turn-right then turn-left. I thought the ladder was faster because it approximates a straight line. She was like no that’s crazy. Eventually I found that’s called Manhattan distance and she was right, and I fully admitted defeat.
Love this. People who display like trophies the times they were wrong have learned one of life’s simple truths: there are no trophies for being right, just crappy knockoffs of the learning process one forgot.
I think that stance only really holds when talking about arguments where you can’t reasonably convince the other person. Like, I’d be frustrated if my wife was conceding arguments just to make me happy, I don’t want to stay wrong. But I have had the thought when coming down of “why is it that I’m always the unreasonable one”, and given that I was coming down from an argument it was not charitably toned.
Being right or happy is more about someone being in the wrong. If you think it’s normal to wear shoes in the house and your partner doesn’t, it doesn’t matter that your area is largely pro shoe in home, if it matters to your partner the wise choice is to accept that their happiness with the situation is more important to you than winning the fight or even getting to keep wearing shoes at home.
When you have a partner like the librarian you also often have to ask if you want to win or be right. And if the answer is win you need to really ask yourself why, because if your partner is right and you’d still rather win, something is wrong. Hopefully it’s that you’re like me and needed some maturity and to learn to express needs before they show up in an unrelated argument.
That’s kind of awesome actually
It’s amazing but emotionally frustrating. The problem with your partner actually always being right is that you feel like you never win or that your perspective may not be properly heard. The flip side is you don’t have stupid arguments thst you didn’t bring the stupid to and that’s also awesome, but rough on the self esteem. Definitely requires learning better emotional processing so you actually understand the need or emotion at the core of what you’re saying/requesting
I mean, if your partner’s right and has demonstrated it, you could just update your perspective and be right too…
Well yeah, it’s the emotional come down from it. Being mad isn’t just a logical state, its a biochemically based emotion. It doesn’t go away immediately, you gotta take a breather and process your emotions as they cool off. As that’s happening you can feel steamrolled or like you aren’t being listened to because the reason for the argument isn’t actually the thing, it’s that you had a need and you got into it about the thing because that seemed a way to get the need met. And like, yeah, that’s a skill you need to learn regardless, but it’s basically a form of relationship where there’s no excuses and you feel like you’re always the unreasonable one.
And yeah, this has been how the first two or three years of my relationship with my wife forced me to git gud. Way better than stupid fights, but yeah it was not easy as someone who had had a disorganized attachment style that leaned anxious.
Often times people are incorrect about specifics, but correct or valid in the point they were attempting to make.
It’s obnoxious to deal with analytical or biased people who can never look past the surface level.
I’ve gotten in the habit of being wrong occasionally on purpose so my wife is less frustrated. Kinda like how drug dog handlers will plant the occasional drug if it’s been too long without a bust, so the dogs don’t get depressed.
EDIT: Not on people. That’s a totally separate thing. I’m talking about officers posing as suspects. Probably thinking of bombs anyway.
Yeah…sure…that’s why.
It may have been bomb-sniffing dogs now that I think of it 😉
Similarly, they did basically the same thing on 9/11 for dogs trained to find survivors when they weren’t finding many.
Unlikely, they’re probably picking their fights, and/or doing prior research. Either way, if you can’t face being wrong, you can’t learn, and that’s on you. Do the emotional work until you can and learn to research yourself, few things are black and white, your side may well have good arguments and references itself, you’ll never know until you look.
This will likely be either very good or very bad for your relationship.
I’m the kind of guy who will look stuff up. I think it’s really important to admit when you’re wrong and the other person was right. Don’t move goal posts or claim you misunderstood. Just own it.
Like I was having a debate with my partner about if it was faster to go all the way up and over, or make a lot of turn-right then turn-left. I thought the ladder was faster because it approximates a straight line. She was like no that’s crazy. Eventually I found that’s called Manhattan distance and she was right, and I fully admitted defeat.
Love this. People who display like trophies the times they were wrong have learned one of life’s simple truths: there are no trophies for being right, just crappy knockoffs of the learning process one forgot.
You can either be right, or be happy. Sounds like the librarian wants to be right
I think that stance only really holds when talking about arguments where you can’t reasonably convince the other person. Like, I’d be frustrated if my wife was conceding arguments just to make me happy, I don’t want to stay wrong. But I have had the thought when coming down of “why is it that I’m always the unreasonable one”, and given that I was coming down from an argument it was not charitably toned.
Being right or happy is more about someone being in the wrong. If you think it’s normal to wear shoes in the house and your partner doesn’t, it doesn’t matter that your area is largely pro shoe in home, if it matters to your partner the wise choice is to accept that their happiness with the situation is more important to you than winning the fight or even getting to keep wearing shoes at home.
When you have a partner like the librarian you also often have to ask if you want to win or be right. And if the answer is win you need to really ask yourself why, because if your partner is right and you’d still rather win, something is wrong. Hopefully it’s that you’re like me and needed some maturity and to learn to express needs before they show up in an unrelated argument.