How have you all coped with the early stages of medical and social transition? I’m in an in-between stage where I’m going to seriously start failing at boymode soon. I hate my old, gravelly, dysphoric voice and avoid it at all costs. I can’t avoid certain undergarments at this point either, because a lack of support is a bit painful. I’m in the unfortunate position of not being able to even run errands because my ex-coworkers all go to the same local places and I’m not publicly out in my industry yet. The flip side is that if I went for femme-presenting, I’m quite visibly trans and it’s entirely my face. There isn’t much to do about that for some time yet.
I’m wondering how others go about finding a balance for being themselves, getting through a day, and not having to have this constant internal and external struggle of “who am I today?”.
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Started last year at 40. I just jumped in at the deep end, buying and wearing only clothes marketed to women. I started with reasonably androgynous outfits and experimented with more femme stuff at home. To start with I had no idea what I was doing, but trying stuff out and copying other women has slowly gotten me to the point where at least I’m kind of happy with how I look.
Voice also, I watched a few videos to get an idea of the basics and just started doing it 24/7. I feel a bit bad for my coworkers who had to put up with a frankly terrible voice at first. Listening to recordings I think it sounds pretty good now.
And you probably pass a lot better than you think. I’ve certainly had times in the past where I was obviously read as a woman and didn’t quite believe it. But now I can kind of see it myself, and nobody bats an eye when I use the women’s bathroom or whatever.
I’m also in my early 40’s. I’d love to just go full-time, but my work situation isn’t giving me the option (yet). Hopefully I can do that soon, but the place where I live is less likely to be welcoming. I also have the safety of my spouse to consider, and I place them above anything else. That’s why I waited so long to even come out in the first place. It’s a tough and lonely situation, sometimes.
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I appreciate the well-thought-out and detailed response. It reads like the manual of things I went through learning bit by bit over the 11 years I spent repressed. I’ve been through most of it at this point. The hair’s getting there and my very affirming salon appointment is in a few weeks. My makeup skills aren’t amazing, but I can handle everything but contouring and eyeshadow now. My voice therapist actually discharged me after 3 months because she said I’d exceeded her skillset. I’m not happy with where I am but I pass vocally. I have a decent wardrobe for casual situations that’s strongly femme-presenting and I like my jewelry. I am excellent with manicures. My spouse has commented on how good my nails look, especially since I chewed them raw for 30 years.
All of that to say that I’m comfortable with everything except my face. I’m partway into laser removal, but I am still very blocky and have the worst caveman browline. The widows peak isn’t helping. But my biggest concern is mostly safety. I’m in a rural area full of literal card-carrying MAGA nuts who roll coal. I was already the odd one out with only electric cars in the garage and moving to native plants instead of a lawn, but if I go out as myself I would be putting my spouse in danger. It’s ironically easier to do when I’m further afield from home.
I guess the things I’m really worried about are being myself and finding ways to do that in spaces where I’m not really safe.
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Thank you for giving me the courage to go be myself. I am sitting in a cafe in a nearby city sipping coffee with my bracelets and earrings, and a transgender pride flag shirt on. It’s frightening! It’s also liberating.
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