A loved one with whom I live is currently in an inpatient mental health facility after an unsuccessful suicide attempt (they’re physically fine now, thanks for your concern). We’ve reached a mutual decision to secure medications and knives (to date, their ‘preferred’ methods of self-harm) prior to their discharge. I need help figuring out the best way to accomplish this with methods and materials available in the US market. We have several days, maybe a week, to figure this out.
I think what I’m in the market for is a small/medium size gun safe for the medications. I’m aware that no safe is 100% secure but I want something robust enough to where it can’t be raked, bypassed, or easily opened in a destructive manner.
I’m less sure what to do about the kitchen knives. I’m trying to figure out where I’m at on the tradeoff between convenience of obtaining them for cooking, vs keeping them inaccessible to a person in crisis. Am I looking for another (smaller) gun safe here?
I guess there’s no reason I couldn’t throw all these things in the same safe, I suppose I’m just picturing it being more convenient to have smaller safes (which can be hidden or otherwise concealed) instead of a larger one which stands out.
To anyone reading who’s been in this situation before… I’d love to hear any and all advice and experiences, for those comfortable sharing. I suspect there are things I could do to secure the home which I haven’t even considered yet. Thanks, and I love you for reading all this.
This is going to hurt to hear, but you need to hear it:
If your loved one is in such dire condition that they’re prepared to rake and pick locks to access means to kill themselves, they aren’t safe to be at home. They need to stay in their inpatient mental health facility until that’s resolved.
Thank you for making this point. I agree completely. I should clarify something… at this point, I don’t necessarily think they’re in that condition. I’m one of those “plan for the worst,” and “go fucking massive” types, hence the expressed desire for a very secure safe. You’re absolutely correct that a person willing to pick locks to obtain methods of self-harm isn’t safe to be at home. I just can’t help but think of these types of measures as a necessary, but insufficient on their own, method of protection.
Don’t feel compelled to answer these here, but some questions to consider:
Is this a long term plan for the next crisis? Or just for a little while for cooling off now?
How are you going to keep the key?
Is the medical team in on this plan?
Without knowing every detail, my thought is that if the person is determined enough to get past a petty cash lock box (below) they can probably buy or steal a knife.
No, I don’t think of this as a long-term solution. More cooling off, and putting at least one layer of deterrence in between them and methods of self-harm. On its own it’s completely insufficient, and only viable as part of a more comprehensive safety plan and treatment strategy… at least in my opinion.
Good point about the key. Can you believe I hadn’t thought of that yet?
Medical team will be in on this. I suspect they’d insist measures like this be in place this before discharge anyway.
I think you’re correct on your last point… and Thordros made a similar point too. Right now I’m meditating on the contradiction between wanting to throw up as much deterrence as possible, and acknowledging that a determined enough person can get past any lock, given enough time and motivation. Which further highlights the insufficiency of these measures compared to proper treatment and a safety plan.
Thanks for the reply.
further thought
Depending on what meds/dosages are involved, it might be an option to only pick up smaller quantities at a time to avoid having enough to do any harm. Some people pick up their meds every week for all kinds of reasons. Don’t have a big bottle of tylenol around, just buy a blister pack of 6 to keep on hand.
I agree with what someone else suggested getting rid of all knives completely. Or take them with you if it isn’t illegal to carry a knife where you live. Cut onions and other veg in bulk at another location and put them in a tupperwear. Buy a jar of chopped garlic. Buy meats that are already cut or don’t require it. Frozen vegetables already prepared. Lentils can’t get smaller. Etc. According to your diet.
Hopefully you can stash all the stuff at a friend’s place for a little while. If you can’t, either throw it away or rent a small storage locker depending which is cheaper. Or hide your knives in the woods or something and if you get lucky they’ll be there when you go back.
if the care team is in on it, they should have some tips because this isn’t a unique situation.
I hope everything is ok.
Thanks for the advice, comrade. Definitely going to look at buying as much food pre-cut as possible for now. We’re OK for now.
same cw’s as post, spoilering just in case
To start, I am not a professional, I have just been on the receiving end of a lot of crisis-related psychiatric care.
From my own personal experience, it may be worth it to consider writing down a safety plan with your loved one if this hasn’t been done already. Usually when I’ve done it in the past it’s consisted of ways to keep myself safe (which you are already tackling,) reminders of distraction methods and coping skills, a list of trusted people to contact in a crisis situation, and reminders of why life is worth living (i.e, i am loved, i need to outlive [hated politician or public figure,] etc.) this may not be for everyone however.
Is there a cabinet in the kitchen you can secure with a lock? I am not sure if it would be enough to deter breaking the whole cabinet open in this specific case, but you could keep knives in there and even the medications if you wish. Maybe even put the meds in a small safe inside the locked cabinet for an extra layer of security if you end up getting one. I obviously don’t know the specifics of what’s accessible in your home, but it’s also worth thinking about securing objects that aren’t necessarily the preferred method of harm but could be used to achieve the same outcomes (i.e, if you are locking up prescription medications to prevent abuse or an overdose, are there any over the counter medications that are around that could still be used in a harmful manner?)
I am glad your loved one is on the path to healing, collaboration is key and it seems like you’re already doing a great job of it.
Thank you, and yes, I should have mentioned that a really solid safety plan is absolutely going to be part of our lives going forward. IMO… on paper I think that’s going to be more effective than any of these deterrence methods I’m asking about anyway. Thanks for mentioning it.
Keeping the knives in a locked box in a kitchen cabinet seems like a not-horrible option, so thanks for that.
That’s great advice about OTC meds, too, thanks. I can say we’re already aware but if anyone in a similar situation reading this isn’t… lock those up too!
I hope you’re doing OK now, and thanks for the kind words.
How about a decently tough-looking toolbox and a dimple-key padlock (dimple locks are a bit harder to pick or rake)? Keep it out of sight, out of mind. My understanding is one wants to make it take a much time as possible to delay a suicidal person from getting to those tools. Maybe could also consider taking it with you when you go to work or go out. Padlockable hard pistol case might be an option as well.
Thank you. I hadn’t yet considered keeping these things in a container I could take with me when I go out. I appreciate the advice on a hard pistol case, too. I think we’d run into issues with space constraints but it’s good advice all the same and I greatly appreciate it.
Honestly I’d probably keep knives “off-site” and pioneer kniveless cooking until they are in a better mental state. As for medications; these would need to be kept in an unknown location and taken immediately with a witness before being removed from their accessible locations again. A safe in a hidden locale could work - if medications require refrigeration for some reason, I’d once again recommend off-site storage but fridges with locks do exist if necessary.
Depending on what their history of this is you might want several professional opinions before deciding on what is appropriate.
Thanks for the suggestions. Definitely going to consider knifeless cooking for the time being. That may solve the issue I had with reconciling convenience of access… if there’s no need to access them, who cares if they’re in an inconvenient place?
Knives can be fashioned out of anything. The best idea is love, support, and probably a ton of being present, while also respecting privacy.
Very true, thanks. I keep coming back to the phrase “necessary but insufficient” to describe these methods of securing the home. In the end, treatment and support are what we all really need, I think.
treatment and support are what we all really need, I think.
These may be wiser words than you can imagine. Caregiver support is so, so very important. There may be nearby support groups for you, if not, please check online. I do wish you and yours all the very best.
Sorry for the late reply, I had to kind of work myself up to responding. I’ve been in your shoes, with my spouse and one of my children, at different times.
With my spouse, I talked to them about what I was going to do in order to keep things safe. I had a locked space and a key that was hidden when I was sleeping and otherwise always on my person. The main thing was to keep things out of immediate reach when they were feeling a crisis and I wasn’t with them.
With my child, my spouse and I worked with the care team at the facility to put together a safety plan. Then we worked with the school to put in place a safety plan for school. No sharps, eyes on pencils, limited access to anything that could be used for self harm, etc.
At home, we explained to our other kids that anything sharp, (kitchen, garage, bathrooms, craft areas, etc) was to be put away into a special locked area. Any medications were also put into a special locked area. In our case this was a locked closet in the primary bedroom, with keys not being accessible and the location within the primary suite unknown to the child. I also added a self-installed security alarm to my bedroom and the closet.
The most critical conversations we had, in both of these situations was started with: “I need to know that you are safe, I do not want anything bad to happen to you. So I need you to be one hundred percent honest with me about what you feel is dangerous in our home.” That made for some difficult things to hear, but they allowed me to help put barriers up between the ideation and the execution, which is all I think you really can do at home.
Ok, that was the difficult part to talk about. Here’s the part where I tell you I’m about 6 years from when my child was hospitalized after we discovered that they were self harming. I had no idea what to do, we were not equipped to deal with that. We did what we thought was best at the time. We got my child into therapy. We had a lot of difficult conversations. Sometimes things are still difficult for them, we do keep potentially damaging medications locked up because they proactively came to us and said “mom, dad, I’m not feeling safe with easy access to these medications, can you help me?” So we did. Generally speaking, we have our kid back. We kind of lost them for awhile when they were struggling, but with therapy and honest communication we have the kid we knew again. Things can get better.
With my spouse, they’ve struggled with depression for their entire life. We were at an incredibly stressful point, and they came to me and said that they needed help to protect themselves from self harm. I had a similar conversation with them as we did with our child and implemented needed changes while they were needed. That was 3ish years ago now, the stressful situation was resolved, and things are back to normal in that area again.
You can and will get through this. It will be difficult and painful at times. Honesty and transparency are important. Always work with your person’s team. You need buy in and trust across the board, including from your person.
This will be hard, but you can do it.
Sending hugs comrade. If you have more specific questions you’d rather not ask out in the open feel free to message me directly.
Thanks for the reply and for sharing your story in spite of how difficult it must have been to do so… This helps me more than I can express right now. I’m so glad to hear you and your family have been able to work through your situation.
I hear you (and others) about honesty and open communication. Maybe that’s the most important thing we need to move forward right now, maybe everything else, the lifelong work and care and all the other things we do and measures we take can flow out from that. You and others have given me a lot to think about. I may take you up on your offer at some point, that’s very gracious of you. Thanks for the encouragement and hugs, comrade.
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thanks comrade, I should have been more clear though, this isn’t something dreadfully urgent. I think we have several days to a week prior to discharge. love ya for the thought, though.
