I almost don’t feel like the same person I was just 5 years ago. Granted, this is my first 5 years of working full-time, outside of schooling, so I’m no longer actively studying and practicing my mathematical skills.
But beyond that, I just feel like I don’t have free will? My health is degrading because I have unhealthy eating habits, and I really want to stop, and I don’t even really enjoy eating unhealthy food anymore, but I think I might actually be chemically dependent on the refined sugar, carbs, and fat. I work 10 hour days and then I’m too exhausted to eat healthy. If I meal prep healthy food, I sometimes just waste it because I’d rather order a couple burgers. I used to be vegan, and I still think vegans are basically correct, but I no longer have self-discipline.
It feels impossible to fix this shit. Reading what I’ve laid out, I think, “what you need is therapy”. And yeah, maybe, but I’ve had like 7 different therapists and somehow I feel like it usually just becomes a space for me to go and be all introspective and sharing everything about myself to this quiet professional who isn’t really leading the conversation, isn’t contributing much, isn’t giving me an idea of what therapy is supposed to be. There’s just long awkward silences while I think of things to say? And I’m paying $90/hour? So far the only utility to me has been a place to vent. But now I’m doing that here instead because it’s free.
So you got a degree and you are not using it, do I understand that correctly? That’s pretty typical honestly. What kind of work are you doing now? 10 hour days, so is it a 4x10 schedule or are you working 50 hours a week? What’s your living situation?
Not trying to be invasive here, just trying to understand your situation better.
Try thinking of your life in terms of where you have agency, and how much agency you have in each place.
You should be able to come up with a list spheres where you have agency and rank them from most to least.
For example: eating healthy, this could be a high agency item.
If it’s just you that you have to worry about, then you have a lot of agency to here to make the changes you want. One way you can make this change is by creating friction between you and the easier choice. This means removing apps from your phone, for example, removing saved cc details in the food app accounts, anything to make it harder or more annoying to do.
This can go for all kinds of things. The more friction you put between you and the easy/undesirable choices, the less likely you’ll do them.
But you also need to make the right choices easier. Initial this might be hard to do, but it can be a compounding thing. Sometimes you might need a codependent to kick you into gear. If you have someone in your life willing to chill st your place while you food prep, that might help you get it done. Depending on your situation that could be easier said then done though.
It’s not enough to talk about your struggles, you should try and sort out what is actionable and what isn’t, then break down the actionable stuff into manageable bites, making it easier to get started.
And I should say that, I should be following my own advice more. Theory means nothing without practice afterall.
I think we sometimes catastrophize our situations, we extrapolate all the ways something might not work, instead of trying things and seeing what does work and what doesn’t. I’m very guilty of that.