Hey all. I just need to talk through some things. I do want feedback, but partly this is just my way of getting it out, and being seen at the same time. This is the only place I feel safe.
I’ve been single for a year. That’s a big step for me. I’ve not been single for more than a few months since I was 14, and I’m turning 35 this year.
I hate it.
I’m pretty sure I’m codependency incarnate. I took care of my mother from the age of 12 until she died when I was 26. I think that tells us all something.
I’m also pretty sure I’m autistic. I thought I was face blind until I realized I just don’t look at faces. I can have an entire conversation with someone and not be able to tell you what they look like.
When I was a kid, though, I studied body language. Obsessively. Looking back, yeah I was trying to understand all these people around me and I just didn’t get it. I wasn’t trying to be a con man or stage magician or CIA whatever. I just wanted to know what tf was going on.
I hate washing my hands. It’s the wetness. I’ve realized as I’ve gotten older it’s actually because I work in grocery and most grocery stores here don’t put hot water in the tap. I don’t like cold water on my hands. Additionally, if my hands get sticky and I don’t know what it is, or sometimes even if I do (sometimes especially if I do) I will lose my shit. As I’ve gotten older, it’s mostly just my hands shaking and me rushing to a bathroom to wash them.
I started self-medicating with opiates at 14, and alcohol shortly after. I kicked opiates after 10 years and alcohol I quit habitually last year. I still drink but only occasionally. I do smoke an ounce of weed a week. It does not make me less anxious. It dials the world down from an 11 to a 6. I think this is overstimulation and how I’ve treated it. Weed is the only thing I’ve found to help (without medical intervention)
I’ve developed compulsions to account for my memory issues and other things. Everything has a place. My keys and wallet and etc all have a spot. Everything must return to its place. I get upset if things get moved. I live with roommates and nothing in the common area is mine but I notice whenever anything moves at all.
I am a people pleaser. To my extreme detriment. Except in sex. There it serves me very well. Elsewhere I will do anything to make you happy. Please don’t be mad at me. My relationships all go wonderful until they degrade into me trying to be just a little of myself whilst I desperately prop up my partner’s life.
As an addendum: To my knowledge, I’ve never faced any physical or sexual abuse. When dad was going through chemo sometimes he’d yell at me. I was an extremely fortunate child. I think I was spanked twice, mildly.
Dogs are more people to me than people.
When I was a child my mother had to instruct the barber to show me the clippers and how they worked, turn them on, etc, before she touched me with them because that was the only way I’d be okay with it.
As a child I could not abide the sound of fireworks - But I loved how they looked.
I’ve never felt at home in my skin.
I feel like I’m masking all the time.
I once told a partner that my ideal evening was us sitting together in bed, touching but reading separate books, and not talking. I’ve since realized that’s parallel play.
I don’t know what my own fucking interests are. I’ve recently finally gotten to a place where I can actually afford to be alive, and now I just don’t know who the fuck I am.
I. Am. So. Lonely.
I don’t know how to talk to people. I just don’t. Part of my job involves briefly checking out with a member of management. This can literally be a “Hey, I’m out, need anything”. The other day I stood there for like three minutes while a manager had a conversation with another vendor and I just stood there awkwardly. Finally he was like hey what do you need. Just checkin out boss. Okay, bye.
I’m sorry I just need space to talk. I have insurance! I could get therapy! But I just can’t do it. It’s just a fucking phone call.
Also, do these things normally get worse as you get older. I believe I mask extremely well, but is there a point where things fall apart. Or am I just more aware of the things that make me feel this way.
Also my question mark key is broken so please infer them where they make sense.
If it helps, my DMs are always open if you need to talk about sobriety or anything. Sending you the best
I can’t relate to much in your post but I also use an amount of thc that most people would think isn’t possible just to keep moving through life.
If you’re blazing an ounch of flower a week I’m honestly impressed though. I moved to concentrates well before that
Lol, I can relate to so much of it but I’ve probably smoked less than a half a gram of weed total in my life and done no hard drugs. We are OP’s two wolves.
Have you tried talking to a healthcare professional? Not counseling, but a medical doctor. It seems like you might have long-term depression.
Booze and pot can dull the pain but don’t treat the underlying cause(s).
But, ofc, you know all of this already. And you know that you don’t even need to make a phone call. You can schedule online.
So do it. Make a change.
No I haven’t seen a doctor beyond a physical or small emergencies since I was a child. I definitely need to, and I just keep making excuses. I’m off Wednesday. I’ll make a calendar task to call then.
possibly not super helpful, trying to relate and talk about some of it, but idk I'm not the most put together entity myself.
Hey, fwiw I used to self medicate with pot every day. A bowl or three in the morning to wake up, then constantly throughout the day. Also used to drink when pot wasn’t available. I was running away from gendershit. But also I’m autistic and ADHD and get overwhelmed easily. My life has gotten a lot better since I got on stimulant medication. It is literally the thing that makes me functional.
dials the world down from an 11 to a 6
This is going to sound counterintuitive and may not be applicable to you, cause I’m dealing with adhd, but stimulants make me less overstimulated, in a weird counterintuitive way.
I don’t know what my own fucking interests are. I’ve recently finally gotten to a place where I can actually afford to be alive, and now I just don’t know who the fuck I am.
Pick an interest. Literally anything. You don’t have to be interested in it even. Mildly enjoy being in nature? Start researching trails around you and try to go for hikes. Enjoy making things? Find something useful to make and make it. Hell make duct tape wallets and embrace inner child stuff! Or make jewelry, or take up clothing repair and patching. Remember that something bringing you joy means it has use, its use might not be the finished product, its use might be that you enjoy the process of it, so the joy is the use cause you deserve that joy. I can’t stress enough it doesn’t matter if you’re “interested” in a thing. If it makes you a little bit happy, or if its something you think is cool, do it!
The other day I stood there for like three minutes while a manager had a conversation with another vendor and I just stood there awkwardly.
This is me… Literally. This is me.
therapy
I mean, therapy can be helpful for stuff like people pleasing, but it won’t make the world better for autistic people. It just makes us able to address it better and gives us more tools to work around it.
Also, do these things normally get worse as you get older. I believe I mask extremely well, but is there a point where things fall apart. Or am I just more aware of the things that make me feel this way.
The more I de-mask, the harder it is to mask. The more aware I am of how I’m masking, the more difficult it becomes. Its really hard. And I try so hard to be normal. This makes total sense to me that as you get older it gets harder. Idk if its true, but it makes sense to me.
I will say: ceasing all regular drug use besides what has been readily identified to help (stimulants, a2 agonists, and hrt) has really helped me. Pot helps, but it also hurts me and makes me anxious and paranoid. Alcohol is fun, but it makes it hard to function. Etc. Using them now and again is fine for me. but needing to drink before walking out the door, or smoke a bowl before doing anything, it didn’t make me better, it hid the bits that were broken and painful. It hid them and they got worse in their solitude. That’s just me tho, idk if that’s what’s going on for you.
I’m definitely working on decreasing my consumption at least. Where in at it’s still expensive, so at the very least there’s that motivation.
I do go on bike rides. I haven’t since it warmed back up, but I need to throw a new rear tire on my bike and take it out to the trails.
So my issue is I’ve habitually used just about all the drugs. I’m not certain I could trust myself with a stimulant prescription. But I need to go to the doctor and they can help me figure that out I guess.
This may not be what you need, but some of what you’re going through resonates strongly (the wondering if I’m autistic, the people pleasing, the masking and associated struggles), so if you want someone to talk to, my DMs are open.
Either way, sending love and hugs.
