ETA: I’ve received so many incredibly helpful responses and so quickly! Thank you all!!! 🥰🙏 I no longer have the doubts I had that led to these questions. I am grateful that I was able to address many less-positive concerns here. Now, I get to focus more on trans joy and preparing to start this incredible journey with you all 🥰
-Long-time lurker, first-time poster
Content warnings: Brief mention of transphobic reactions, a couple questions about de-transitioning
Context
I’m in my late 30s, amab. I’m considering transitioning. I’m considering HRT and hair removal only, no surgery. I plan to identify/express as a binary woman when HRT has taken effect. But if I don’t get the results that I’m looking for, I could see a world where identifying as an enby (and staying on HRT, etc) might make sense. (I’m a frontline healthcare worker who’s concerned about negative reactions from patients when transitioning and/or when my pronouns don’t match my appearance in some people’s eyes.)
HRT trials
At this point (I’ve questioned for years), I don’t think I’m ever going to be 100% sure about whether or not I want to transition. I think that preparing to transition and starting HRT might help me reach greater certainty about whether I want to continue. Does that sound reasonable? Do you think a doctor in an informed consent context would have concerns with starting me on HRT if I said that? Also, is it fair to say that I can probably look androgynous or plausibly cisgender (especially with effort - if I had a need to) for a year or two after starting HRT?
Older adulthood
I’m not sure what to expect in my late 60s, 70s, etc. Do people who’ve transitioned for decades at that point feel that their gender doesn’t seem as relevant any more, question the benefits of staying on HRT, and stop? In that case, is there any sort of detox/withdrawal, pain, or significant health-related complications associated with stopping HRT?
Reversibility
Hypothetically, let’s say I wanted to stop transitioning or de-transition - closer to my current age - and wanted to identify/express as a man. The only real issue to me seems to be that I might have breasts - and ‘only’ an A or B cup (re: concealability). Skin, body fat distribution, hair, and muscle mass changes seem inconsequential to me (and are all considered reversible, with BF being reversible/ variable). Loss of fertility is not important to me. And medically salvaging a functional penis (i.e., libido and erections with testosterone and blue pills), if necessary, seems medically doable and acceptable to me provided I prevent penile atrophy. How’s my understanding of that?
I’m not seeking medical advice, just community perspectives, anecdotes, and/or pointers to resources. Thanks for reading and also for any responses. Comments on other things I’ve mentioned are also welcome :)
WS, your comments really resonated with me and my questions, thank you. The ‘ftm top surgery’ thought experiment is great, as are your thoughts on the criteria for ceasing HRT.
I’ll be assessed by a specialty gender clinic and then followed by my family physician. I’m confident from past experience my family physician will give me the referral, and the gender clinic includes the following ‘key message’ in their guidance for primary care providers. I would really love to be honest about my lack of certainty, and I think it’s safe for me to do so:
“The risks of not providing hormone therapy are often more substantial than the risks of treatment”