Allistic people will speak in code, never say what they mean, and say something like “the sun isn’t bright enough” to mean they want you to clean the window instead of just asking you to clean the window, try to decode the hidden meaning of what someone said when they directly said what they meant, and then they claim WE’RE the ones with communication issues
Yep, I was recently over at a family member’s place and they made something to eat and asked how it was, I told them that it was good but I would have made it slightly differently, and they were like “oh so you don’t like it? we have other things” and I was just like sigh. I know they’re just trying to be nice and all, but it gets really annoying when this type of thing happens with almost everything I say and I have to tell people, no, I mean exactly what I said, you don’t need to try to decipher some hidden meaning! Another common one is someone will tell you they’re going somewhere, but I’ve recently learned that it usually means they’re going somewhere, but are also inviting you to go with them. Like, ugh. If you’re inviting me, say something like “I’m going to the market, want to come with me?” It’s not that hard!
Another common one is someone will tell you they’re going somewhere, but I’ve recently learned that it usually means they’re going somewhere, but are also inviting you to go with them
Is protecting feelings. Many people find rejection painful, an implied offer that isn’t taken up doesn’t hurt because there can be protective fictions but “would you like to come” -> “no I would not like to come” strips the situation of those fictions. Often people try to soften rejection by lying e.g. “Oh I’d love to but I’m actually already…”.
Many people do not enjoy lying and by being direct you can be rude by putting someone in a situation where they feel they need to lie or hurt someone’s feelings.
I understand that this is confusing sometimes, but it would not be zero cost for people to do otherwise. They would find themselves hurt many times by your rejections (and probably then protect themselves by not asking). Unfortunately there often aren’t easy answers, and some sort of compromise that protects feelings but balances your need for clarity has to be hashed out on a case by case basis.
Another common one is someone will tell you they’re going somewhere, but I’ve recently learned that it usually means they’re going somewhere, but are also inviting you to go with them.
And then the one time you think “You know what? When people say that, it means they’re inviting the person”, it turns out that, no, they weren’t inviting you, and at best, things get awkward, at worse, they admonish you for inviting yourself and being presumptuous.
Another common one is someone will tell you they’re going somewhere, but I’ve recently learned that it usually means they’re going somewhere, but are also inviting you to go with them.
Is this why when the last time I said I wanted to hike somewhere, my friend invited herself and said “I can come!”? Huh.
Allistic people will speak in code, never say what they mean, and say something like “the sun isn’t bright enough” to mean they want you to clean the window instead of just asking you to clean the window, try to decode the hidden meaning of what someone said when they directly said what they meant, and then they claim WE’RE the ones with communication issues
Yep, I was recently over at a family member’s place and they made something to eat and asked how it was, I told them that it was good but I would have made it slightly differently, and they were like “oh so you don’t like it? we have other things” and I was just like sigh. I know they’re just trying to be nice and all, but it gets really annoying when this type of thing happens with almost everything I say and I have to tell people, no, I mean exactly what I said, you don’t need to try to decipher some hidden meaning! Another common one is someone will tell you they’re going somewhere, but I’ve recently learned that it usually means they’re going somewhere, but are also inviting you to go with them. Like, ugh. If you’re inviting me, say something like “I’m going to the market, want to come with me?” It’s not that hard!
stuff like
Is protecting feelings. Many people find rejection painful, an implied offer that isn’t taken up doesn’t hurt because there can be protective fictions but “would you like to come” -> “no I would not like to come” strips the situation of those fictions. Often people try to soften rejection by lying e.g. “Oh I’d love to but I’m actually already…”.
Many people do not enjoy lying and by being direct you can be rude by putting someone in a situation where they feel they need to lie or hurt someone’s feelings.
I understand that this is confusing sometimes, but it would not be zero cost for people to do otherwise. They would find themselves hurt many times by your rejections (and probably then protect themselves by not asking). Unfortunately there often aren’t easy answers, and some sort of compromise that protects feelings but balances your need for clarity has to be hashed out on a case by case basis.
And then the one time you think “You know what? When people say that, it means they’re inviting the person”, it turns out that, no, they weren’t inviting you, and at best, things get awkward, at worse, they admonish you for inviting yourself and being presumptuous.
Is this why when the last time I said I wanted to hike somewhere, my friend invited herself and said “I can come!”? Huh.