I hope this post doesn’t come off as really resentful. I’m not overly stressing the money.
In the past year or so I’ve had old friends ask to borrow a few hundred dollars here or there. Honestly it’s not overly shady as it’s people I’m actively meeting up with, and we’ve known each other for decade(s). And it’s people I’m pretty close with and legit love, so I’m not happy that they’re stressing, so I can toss them a loan.
And when the time comes that they were supposed to pay me back, oh some excuse. I don’t want to be too upset as they’re probably unhappy about the situation as well.
The thing is, it’s friends who own their homes and both partners own a car. I still rent a small flat and I take the bus or train everywhere. I just assume they’re massively in debt to everyone. This is probably a symptom of larger problems in the world.
Not a rant, I can manage.
consider that money a gift and forget it, you’ll feel better. its definitely not worth stressing a decades old friendship. going forward, never loan your friends money, always give them money. if they pay it back anyway, wowee what a nice surprise!
this is such old advice it’s literally in the bible.
Ya I’m not giving them the tiniest amount of pressure.
Quietly tho, I would like the money back. In the end, it’s my small retirement.
Quietly tho, I would like the money back. In the end, it’s my small retirement.
I’m not great with money, but the best advice I could get for this kind of situation is to only give away from money that’s not completely critical to you.
Extra money at the end of the month and a friend needs a hand to pay for a mechanic bill? No need to ask twice. I only have rent money and a friend asks for a loan? Not so sure about that. If that money comes out from somewhere you need now or in the future, and not from a place where you either would’ve left it alone or used it for a frivolous purchase, it’s better to say no than to feel that anxiety.
I’m not great with money, but the best advice I could get for this kind of situation is to only give away from money that’s not completely critical to you.
Oh this is absolutely my philosophy as well. My last friend I gave a bit more than I should because she was just between two jobs. But I’ll survive. I’m not going to struggle with my own rent because of this.
It’s still uncomfortable, i get it 100%. Hope you get some of it back, or at least get to clear the air in a friendly manner!
Yeah, I’ve only given friends money twice, on the assumption I was never seeing it again because that’s life, and both times they paid me back considerably later and it truly was a nice surprise both times. People can surprise you.
never lend anybody money, give gifts.
Personally I don’t do loans, only gifts - some people will pay back anyways but i tell them not to worry about it.
However my second rule is once per person and only about one day’s pay.
In exceptional circumstances i will give people i know who are in dire straits a monthy subsidy until they are on their feet.
wait a week and then ask them if you can borrow some money. ask for the exact same amount.
You are probably right, anyone having to reach out to friends and family for personal loans is probably not doing well financially no matter what “class” they look like. My brother used to borrow money from me here and there every couple of months, and he had a running bill with my mom and dad and everyone else. So he is probably “borrowing from Peter to pay Paul”.
I also no longer do loans. I only gift items or gift cash.
I would A) stop giving out money in the assumption you are getting it back. B) possibly stop assisting when he asks.
I feel like if they ask again you need to get a better layout of what their finances are and what’s going on
It’s individual people doing a one off loan. Maybe I’m too nice, but I don’t inquire too much about people’s finances before helping friends out. (maybe that sounds snarky but it wasn’t meant to be)
Probably should just see it as a gift then, if this is the only time they’ve asked for help.
She meant if it becomes a two-off, if they owe you already and ask for more. At that point, I think it’s fair to inquire, just so long as you make it painfully clear that it’s from a “let’s work together to figure out how to improve your circumstances” rather than “let me pass judgement on how much you deserve”.
typical commie, not keeping credit scores for the members of their network. :ayn-rand:
It also seems intuitive enough. If there’s a two income household, they all own their cars and house, one would imagine that they could pay back a small loan.
I have no idea if this is the case but I wonder if they are asking for a “loan” assuming you have an understanding that it’s really a gift since it might feel like it lets them save face to ask that way — and also giving you the option to refuse without looking bad
Just because they managed to get a mortgage for a house and a loan for a car doesn’t mean they’re well off financially, they might be just surviving. If it’s a “loan” for a small amount then you likely just need to assume it’s a gift and choose whether to do it or not. It’s ok just to say sorry I don’t have the money. If you do give them money maybe it would be best to say it’s a gift so no one has the pressure. For me I know if I had to loan money off of someone I’d be stressed out until I paid it back but if I need that loan then I’m unlikely in a situation where I could pay it back.
Money is always tricky
They specifically said “own their homes and both partners own a car”. There is no way OP meant they could currently have a mortgage, and them ever having a mortgage is not relevant. They might not be well off, people get screwed over and downward mobility is common, but your account is contrary to the information given.
My friends that rent would say my wife and I own our home because we have a house and don’t rent but we have a mortgage. Same for owning a car, most people don’t know the state of other people’s finances.
If your friend says someone “owns their home” rather than something like “has a house” when that person has a mortgage, they’re being silly. That turn of phrase is specifically and significantly used for when it’s actually true because it’s an important distinction.
For a car it’s whatever, that’s fine.
They have probably given into the hedonism that comes with a good middle class job (or two good middle class jobs if their partner also works). There is a lot of things you can afford in your lifestyle that you are told you deserve by marketing. A nice car, matcha latte, nice TV with all the streaming services, indulging their hobbies and passions. Not a judgement at all on them, this pattern is the norm. You make more money but stretch your lifestyle to use most of it. And likely, most of their income still goes to “necessities” (mortgage, car payments), it feels like you deserve the little treats.
But as time goes on, even they are increasingly crunched by the cost of living and the stress of imminent layoff and economic catastrophe. They only have further to fall.
That’s what I’m wondering. I’m trying not to scrutinise her social media posts, but in a few ways they’re living life more comfortably than I am. I literally never go on holiday, to a bar, nightclub, or restaurant.
I speak about this somewhat from personal experience. When my partner got her first full time job we lived a little to high on the hog for a while
I’ve been very guilty of this. Like damn I’d like to enjoy food once in a while.
In the past 5 years the amount that I have lent out or covered for roommates on rent adds up to over $10k. I’ll be pleased if I ever see half of it again.
For context, I have never had a job where I made so much as $20/hr.
