SunsetFruitbat [she/her]

but it is really hard to sleep other than the pain, but mainly because of my dad. since it’s like 8am and he woke up and he drinking despite yesterday being sober. it just more so like. I’m tired. He has been drinking since all of last week to without stopping except for yesterday. It just like. every time I hear his drink slam on the table, it just reminds me of the beginning of this year. where he was vomiting and hallucinating and shit. not like that was a good time anyways because my mom was going down a health death spiral. I dunno why typing that is making me cry. Im tired of crying. I guess because it still hurts. I try not to think about my mom. That reminds me I still have her voice messages on my phone and I can’t… I can’t listen to those, but I can’t delete them yet either. Im getting side tracked.

Anyways, I just know the beginning of this year was really awful. I do remember like at the beginning of this year I did try to do another suicide attempt. Mainly because like literally on the new year, my mom called me asking she needed help for tomorrow. I said sure I’d help her, but later that night when trying to sleep. I kind of just started to cry, had a breakdown because of my mom and also dealing with my dad. and I decided to take a bunch of ibuprofen I had laying around on a spur of the moment. except like I obviously didn’t take enough since im still alive. I just took some, went to sleep, and then two hours later woke up shaking, feeling nauseous like I wanted to puke, and just this burning sensation in my throat. I started to cry to because I realized I might of fucked up and panicking a little.

Anyways I went back to sleep after calming myself down. So thankfully I didn’t take much. Also later on, I decided to put that bottle of ibuprofen somewhere really fucking hard to reach and get into. Except now I kind of have to bring it out for my wisdom teeth. It’s also why yesterday I was getting kind of upset about my dad not wanting to go to the pharmacy so we can get the prescriptions along with Tylenol. But we went, so everything okay now. I just don’t want to go through that again, and I also don’t want to be where like my mom abused the shit out of ibuprofen for pain and ended up puking blood.

I’m not sure why im talking about that. Just mainly this year been hard, and the beginning of the year was really hard. And each time my dad fucking drinks and slams his damn drink down, it just, reminds me of my mom dying. him almost drinking himself to death. that suicide attempt. other things like last year when he kicked me out for about a week. and then just remembering other things as it becomes a domino effect.

anyways getting back to now. something else but I’m hungry but I really don’t want to eat. I haven’t really ate much anyways and I am hungry… but I don’t want to eat right now. What’s the point? Like I’m fine with not eating, I can go days. Some days it’s just I’d rather not eat because everything just too fucking much and I feel a lot of emotional distress. My dad just gonna eventually drink himself to death if he doesn’t stop. and sure he is gonna die one day, but what am I gonna do? Things would be easier if I like, felt safe. felt secured. If I had a way of supporting myself. But I don’t since I rely a lot on my dad. and I wish I could be normal and work, but I have trouble with work and holding down work and I don’t qualify for disability right now. So like, I’m just fucked. That dread scares me because it is coming one of these days. I can’t ignore it some days. Some days feels like that its gonna be the end.

Im hoping therapy really helps teaches me coping skills to help manage myself better and be able to work. but im starting to have doubts. it would also be nice if my dad would just stop drinking just for the love of fucking everything. just stop. please stop. just stop stop stop stop stop. just please stop.

anyways I’m gonna force myself to eat I guess. I don’t to, but I have to since I don’t want to make things worse. I’m just tired of what feels like. Constantly living in this state of being. It’s also the next day so I can take that hydrocodone, since the pain starting to kind of get bad. I really need to be careful with this shit because I honestly don’t feel really safe with it around. I don’t know how im gonna respond to it either. So just gonna take it only when needed like right now and be very fucking careful. also then get some sleep and eat some soup or something. Once my mouth heals, I’m gonna go dump that opioid bullshit if there any left.