i kind of have a ‘let the interdimensional wizards handle it’ kind of attitude towards the weird experiences i have. i figure if the weird things i see needed anything from me they could ask in a way i would understand unambiguously. i figure if there is another layer to reality then humans are probably like dogs or infants to whatever else there is, probably nothing i can do or comprehend about it without context so i should stay out of the way. this time in particular there was an element of ‘am i a patient or a sacrifice’ to the scene, there was kind of a stormy brown-stone ziggurats shrouded in dark blue fog vibe to the scenery but i couldnt make out details

its closer to a mold or lichen really, just a hungry little guy

i passed out on the toilet at like 5 AM today. i thought i was just going to have diarrhea, but suddenly my lower stomach/intestines started hurting a lot, and i got really lightheaded. i knew i was about to pass out and was trying to breathe. next thing i knew i was waking up on the bathroom floor between my toilet and bathtub, my head basically inside the bucket we keep the plunger and toilet brush in. at first i was confused, i thought i was asleep in my bed, but i immediately panicked and noticed i was on the filthy bathroom floor. i swear i could hear indistinct voices as i came too as well. i don’t know how long i was out, a few minutes at most and probably less than that. i had a bit of a panic attack when i got up, i still felt lightheaded, i needed a shower after being face-first in the plunger bucket, and my stomach still hurt very badly and i felt like i had to defecate in the worst way. but since i was lightheaded i went to lie down on the floor in another room, trying to text my dad and my roommate who i had just taken to work earlier at like 4 AM with stiff tingling hands i could barely move. my dad didn’t respond, still asleep (and didn’t even say anything until much later in the day), but my roommate responded at work at least and my brother was willing to drive me to a hospital which i declined because i finally had the grossest weird smelling (like ammonia or cat poo) diarrhea ever and my stomach stopped hurting. no blood or anything came out that i noticed so i’m confused as to what even happened in a medical sense. i decided to stay home from a thanksgiving thing my brother had planned at the house he just moved into to keep things safe. i appreciate him (he was quicker to respond to calls for aid than my dad who is usually pretty cool) but i also don’t know any of the people he moved in with, and the way i felt after i regained consciousness reminded me of ways i’ve felt in other socially taxing situations (stiff, tingling hands and face), so i didn’t want to stress the same biological systems if its at all related. i had been reading ‘the will to change’ and having a bit of a i’m-a–broken-man-in-a-doomed-world kind of existential crisis, it kind of triggered me and reminded me of a lot of the abuse i suffered as a child, so maybe it was some kind of trauma psychosomatic thing. not a criticism of the book its just a little to real for my addled traumatized mind.

also, before any of this happened, while i was awake in bed, i had the weirdest psuedo-dream (like an intense involuntary waking daydream, my eyes rolled back into my head but i wasn’t asleep) about some green-eyed (solid/glowing green like green lantern or something) alien with defined brow ridges and grey skin (looked kind of like a Protoss) and either a red mouthless facepart (like DBZ cell’s original form with its mouth closed) or a mask, on its mouth, and wearing white and gold robes, examining me as i kneeled before it in either chains or some kind of collar. it or an associate moved a rod or a staff and it forced my body (i was watching this dream in 3rd person from some other perspective) to move, turning my head to the left and exposing my neck. the tall grey skinned green eyed alien stared and did something to my neck, maybe with a wand or something, and i started feeling weird mentally. i had been initially terrified of this alien but suddenly i reached out as if i trusted it, and then a large white/gold humanoid dragon’s (a character the preexists in my mental library of archetypes, i have seen it before in other similar psuedo-dream/hallucinations) foot appeared at the edge of my disembodied view of the scene, implying that the rest of its huge body encased in some kind of translucent sphere had been ‘summoned’ by this manipulation of my body. then, i saw the grey skinned green eyed alien with its hands in my head, which looked impossibly and bloodlessly ‘opened up’ with rectangular panels removed and floating nearby, as if it was moving objects around inside my skull, or doing some kind of maintenance or manipulation. this alien was terrifying to me at first but it felt more like a doctor in this scene. for some reason it felt to me like this dream was related to the voices i heard wile i regained consciousness later.

in conclusion, any aliens or sorcerers on here or anywhere else wishing my demise because of my cringe posting are going to have to try harder, cuz i lived this time. shoutout to the handful of people that upvote even my most deranged posts for some reason.

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i want them to do a mirror’s edge video so badly, i love the way they think about games in ways they are not intended to be thought about. its like meditative or even situationist kind of

it feels like i can’t even express the slightest hint of alienation without people in my life being dismissive or shitting on it. like they mention that people that don’t celebrate holidays must be annoyed by all the traffic, and i DARED to express a sympathy because holidays don’t mean much to me outside of obligations to humor family members and i find crowded stores and roads during holidays unpleasant due to sensory overload, and its taken as if i insulted anyone who enjoyed any holiday. any time i express neurodivergence of any kind it is fucking PUNISHED, i guess adult men are not allowed to experience any mental illness or negative feelings whatsoever without being blamed for personal failure to fully repress all of our emotions except bland mundane contentedness

my hobbies mostly revolve around model kits of fictional and historical killing machines which i can’t imagine would be super high on a list like this (and if it is it hasn’t helped me meet people lol) i have like zero interest in most normiecore activities like drinking or concerts or travel (lmao i’m too poor) or hiking or even eating in public (sensory overload/misophonia, i can’t stand the sound of chewing/children screaming etc. but if you tell people that they think you are a psycho or immature) so idk what i would even do with other people. i play videogames to fill time mostly, they don’t require much setup or cost after you own the console and games so its something i can do all the time without spending more money. i don’t really care about gaming in itself as much as i use it to explore other topics i’m interested in like mecha or parkour or ninjas or military technology. i complain about games more than i enjoy them because my tastes/desires are so specific (and no one will make a decent first person mecha game anymore)

‘walking distance’ there is literally not a sidewalk for hundreds of meters or more from where i live. i get the horrors of the suburban experience except my house is outside all the local gentrifying rich ppl suburbs right on a major road so i get few of the alleged benefits. no walking and hardly any neighbors here. not a shred of a sense of community. i have to drive and spend gas money to get literally anywhere outside my house. absolutely amazing environment to go through childhood in, no out-of-school friends or sense of belonging in a community or free range child (or even adolescent) adventures or anything like that, a constant panopticon of mediocrity. no way that could possibly ever lead to being a mentally wrecked loser of an adult no way its the safest way to live. america is an alienation farm i stg

‘just look up the most and least attractive hobbies to women’ bro i am not trying to brute force rewrite my entire personality to trick normies into fucking me, wtf kind of messed up attitude is that. i wish i could get a lobotomy but just for the parts of my brain that produce the need for human touch. i wish something else could take over this body so i could just sleep instead of farming depression alienation and despair for whatever interdimensional insectoid creature is feeding on my suffering.

lol. lmao even.

LMFAO all of my neighbors are rabid trump supporting racists with comically large TRUMP flags and those oversized skeleton decorations in their yards year-round, i am doomed

the fire causes the material conditions for its own existence where possible. the same way mold grows towards sugar/moisture/whatever it needs to grow. the same way a tree or a flower will grow towards the sun. the same way a human eats and drinks and breathes to fuel the chemistry that powers us. the same way a stone seeks to return to the earth.

the fire and fuel in a flame are in a dialectical relationship, the fuel may ‘predominate’ (be more ‘fundamental’ in some sense) in much the same way that the ‘base’ is more fundamental than the ‘superstructure’, yet the superstructure can shape the base in its own ways, it is a two way relationship even if the superstructure depends on the base. asymmetric dialectical relationships like this are what drive dialectical motion, the way that the matter/antimatter imbalance early in the universe (in matter’s favor) determined our current unstable/changing matter-dominated world, rather than creating a perfectly stable unchanging empty eternity where matter and antimatter annihilated each other completely.

basically my thoughts lol (probably just going to be another missile tho)

to you and others in this thread

i was obsessed with that game when it came out, complex nostalgia-for-things-i-never-experienced vibes

i just finished painting some small 40k armies for me and a friend but i can’t find a good place to pirate the rulebook and relevant army codexes (i have a legitimate problem spending money on anything but mecha models, like a VPN) and they are SO EXPENSIVE

true words

YES! his collection is as generic AF, this guy is posting his own Ls