Thanks, I’ve been working on losing weight.

Not really.

Are you calling me a skinny liar?

I can’t see under the water, because I’m in my bed

Hey, I wanna show you something cool. Come over here within gut-punching range for a second real quick.

:-|

How can they say this about Lost? Don’t they know that’s what the Bible is based on?

Ok you’ve learned your lesson.

That’s how bad they’ve been. It just shows up

Because you’ve been a very BAD person, and you deserve to be SHRIEKED at

10 0011 10101

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Thank you sir

That was my plan all along, and you fell right into it.

Unrelated question: do you find it odd that everyone’s phones have started auto-capitalizing “internet”? I often wonder why that is.

No, I was lying. I don’t treat women or cats like trash; I do make up outlandish stories sometimes, though.

I’m actually the one who took this “photo” (which is really a still image from a video). Everyone thinks the cat is jumping toward the camera, but it’s actually flying backwards. My wife was being a real bitch that day, complaining about her allowance again, so I hurled her goddamn cat across the room and into the wall. I always film when I’m at home so that I have proof of what a bitch my wife is.

Man, our musical tastes couldn’t be more different. We should start a reality TV show together

I dunno, I mean “song” is a pretty broad term. I’m pretty sure if I’d ever figured out how to work Fruity Loops I could probably prove you wrong there. As long as you’re not expecting anything you’d enjoy listening to.

This is how my cousin talked me into letting her peg me