I’m a male victim. My perpetrator was an ex girlfriend. It happened a long time ago and the assault itself didn’t give me much or any trauma. I’m lucky in that way. It wasn’t painful, just left me feeling confused, gross, embarrassed, and helpless. I’ve worked through that stuff. Which made me more comfortable to speak up about my experience.
But in the rare event I’ve brought it up it has always been painful due to how it’s reacted to. I sympathize with every woman who has been assaulted and understand more than you can know about not being believed or having your assault minimized… all that stuff. But let me tell you, try being a male victim. Literally nobody gives a shit.
I’ve been told to “sit down”. Pointing out something like “just because she was blackout drunk doesn’t mean she was the victim” woah boy. That one is a doozy because it was my fuckingremoved. Telling someone a SA victim has the right to defend themselves in whatever means they deem necessary? Not if you’re a man. Nope. Which is why I didn’t defend myself.
I’ve told exactly two women in my life about it. A good friend and my wife, whom I love dearly. That stupid bear or man nonsense that went around last year? Each told me, “you wouldn’t understand because you’ve never had to deal withremoved.” Independently they said this and it wasnt even necessary because i was on their side. Instantly felt like I wasn’t seen. Like I told them about one of the most serious things that ever happened to me and it wasn’t worth making a mental note of? Male victims just do not matter.
It sucks. Worse than the damned act itself.
I feel like this is the only place I can be heard.
[CW: SA/Gender Essentialism]
I’m so sorry you had to go through this.
I was SA’d by a man when I was far more male-presenting, and I think that made me more scared to open up about it. I didn’t even open up about it until years later.
I get what you mean. I am horrified by how dismissive people can be about stuff like this, and honestly, that dismissiveness and the selfish mentality I detect within it? It does cause me even more distress like what you are going through.
Something I hated about the “man or bear” thing is that it got exploited as a part of this tendency for white women to only care about when they themselves are victims of oppression. Plenty of Black women, in response, have said they’d choose being alone with a bear in the woods over being alone with a white woman in the woods, and I have seen the mayo backlash because of this. This perfectly exemplifies my issue with mainstream feminism and why, at this point, I feel inclined to even block feminist pages that aren’t explicitly radical (but obviously non-TERF), intersectional, and/or Marxist. Essentialism runs as a rampant issue within mainstream feminism, to a point where I can casually see a woman say things like “Men are oppressive and violent because of testosterone and their SRY gene” in a liberal space, and nobody will call it out.
Misogyny is most certainly a dire concern, and that can make it feel bad to dismiss how any woman approaches feminism, but I can’t bring myself to be so uncritical about a movement that seems to just be reactionary rhetoric in progressive packaging in so many instances. I feel like even too many genuine leftists give mainstream feminism too much credence.
Denial of support for male SA victims stems from many things, e.g., patriarchal standards, weird men saying male SA victims are “lucky,” and also the tendency that usually white women exploit to avoid accountability and ignore the fact that women can also be oppressors. Being an oppressor and being oppressed are not mutually exclusive. In fact, I’d argue that oppressed people also being oppressors in some way or another is the rule, not the exception. It’s why I know that if I am to find myself in a situation where I must engage closely with a white woman or a white queer person, I better expect a shit ton of racism and never give any of them too much trust. I have even had Black lesbians tell me that they were objectified and violated by white sapphic women. Yikes.
I feel all this. It’s one of those things where like, even when you understand the causes, that knowledge and understanding doesn’t diminish how shitty it feels.