No matter how hard I try to read up on this or ask for people’s help, I cannot tell when another person is attracted to me. And I feel bad about it, because what am I supposed to do if I want to do anything flirtatious or date? Trial and error? Just try it with anyone I think is attractive until I learn what the patterns are? Sounds like a quick way to be seen as That Guy. Even if I just ask, that’s still a pretty forward move, letting someone know I think of them like that. So I really do not know what to do there, and it upsets me.
You and me both brother. I’ve fumbled it sooo many times. It’s pure luck that I’ve ever had sex.
I don’t know if this is good advice generally, but what’s worked for me is to find someone as weird as me. Like someone who understands my weirdness because she’s just as weird.
My trick was just being direct early about my intentions. Just ask them out on a date, or if you can buy them a drink, or have a kiss, or if they want to go home with you. You’ll usually get a pretty clear and unambiguous response. Personally I’ve never had trouble from being forward - I think as long as you’re respectful in asking and accept their answer most reasonable people are understanding. I will say it’s a scary tactic at first but you’ll quickly realize respectful rejections aren’t that big a deal anyway.
Another option is asking friends in shared social circles what they think. Signs are often more obvious from the outside.
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Trial and error? Just try it with anyone I think is attractive until I learn what the patterns are? Sounds like a quick way to be seen as That Guy.
Your self-consciousness about this and filters around it are a very strong sign that you really are not That Guy. If you can keep something within an honest and respectful scope, you’re not going to be overbearing.
What you have going on here in your head is the Generalized Other: a mental fabrication of some outside person or entity that is observing you or about to judge you for what you do. One way to cut through generalized-other hangups is to reflect on who is going to be objecting to your hypothetical behavior. If you can’t name someone in particular, you know it’s your mind with a hyperactive sense of shame playing tricks on you.
What’s the worst that can happen? Someone says “Oh I don’t feel that way but thank you for asking”, and you say “You’re still cool either way”. I’ve seen people go about doing “rejection therapy” where they make random requests of people just to acclimatize themselves to being rejected, and being less emotionally invested in the outcomes of requests.
Life is trial and error. Be kind, be affirming, and trust yourself.
I mean, I have asked people out before, respectfully, and it resulted in them getting cold with me, avoiding me, being distant, and their friends doing the same. Even though I still wanted to be friends. So no, the worst that could happen is not a polite no.
As neurodivergents, I’m honestly of the opinion that until you meet someone who just says frankly that they like you, you wouldn’t be happy with them anyway. Imagine being in a relationship with someone and you have no idea what they’re thinking.
you can work on their communication, but you need to know they care first.
A lot of people rely on subtext to even conceptualize these interactions, but you aren’t remotely shut out by not having access. There’s nothing wrong with just asking people what they think of something (and here I don’t mean “do you think I’m hot?” but “hey, do you want to do X?”) and if they can’t give you a straight answer, you’re probably better off taking it as a no anyway.
Dating isn’t a game of secretly sending codes back and forth about wanting to fuck someone like you’re horny intelligence agents (or high schoolers), it’s a relationship between two human beings and, like any such relationship, if you don’t understand what someone means or what they want, usually the correct thing to do is ask, and if someone is hostile to you even asking, you are better off not dealing with them unless they’ve got you chained down (e.g. an employer).
Different people have different love languages, you just need to find someone with a similar love language to you which seems to be direct communication. If you communicate directly you’ll automatically attract people who also do that. I’m saying it like it’s easy but obviously it can be really difficult to find someone you like who also likes you who also has a similar love language.
love languages
I just want to point out that this concept was invented by a misogynist
evangelicalbaptist to do boomer wife-bad style couples advice. I know that’s not what you’re doing. But just in case anyone starts looking into it.Oof I didn’t know this 😅 Is there another way to communicate the concept of how people communicate their attraction to people in different ways?
I think “people communicate differently” is as succinct as you can really get. There does need to be a good term for “The way in which you communicate affection”, and love languages might be it for now, but its hard to separate from its terrible roots.
I read that as “invented by a mycologist” and was very confused for a second.
Just because it’s entertaining, I want to add to Keld’s comment that Big Joel did a decent video on the book that popularized the phrase: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kD6KJ_ThZio
I don’t remember it verbatim, but there’s a story in it that almost got me in trouble when someone was talking about love languages and I free-associated to it and burst out laughing. The story is something like:
Patient: I’ve been having this issue. You see, you say that everyone has a main love language, but I really like both physical intimacy and words of affirmation, so how do I tell which one is my main one?
Quack: Well, let us imagine situations where one is satisfied and the other isn’t: First, consider the scenario in which, if you tried to be physically intimate with your partner, it just goes very poorly, a completely unpleasant experience, but they tell you that they love you and seem to be quite sincere when they say it, and they express that they believe in you, brag about you in front of your mutual friends, and so on. How would you feel about that? Would you feel loved?
P: Well, I’d miss being intimate, but sure, I’d feel loved.
Q: Now imagine the inverse: You have marvelous sex, just cum buckets every time, and whatever else a broader sense of physical intimacy might entail. At the same time, they never express love to you or even respect and in fact will sometimes disparage you both privately and in front of others. How would you feel about that? Would you feel love?
P: Not at all, I get a feeling of malaise just from comprehending the sentence as you spoke it.
Q: See? Not so hard after all! Clearly this means that words of affirmation are your primary love language.
I looked for which part of the video it’s in and honestly the actual passage is a bit less funny than I remembered, but also a bit more stupid. Mostly I just wanted to share it as I remembered it because it feels like a concentrated version of the broken reasoning you see all the time when people discuss these issues.
I found YouTube links in your comment. Here are links to the same videos on alternative frontends that protect your privacy:
Link 1:
Link 2:
I think this is pretty normal. The social queues around intimacy are intimidating on so many levels. I think being open on honest about your feelings towards another would benefit you because if it’s received well then you have a path forward with the relationship. If it’s not received well then you don’t need to go on worrying about the what if. Personally I need that definitive aspect, I can’t handle the nuances of flirting and dating.
I mean, honesty and being direct is also scary, because I’ve had times where I was, said friend started getting more cold with me, avoiding me, or drifting away from me, even though I still wanted to be friends. So I’m stuck analyzing and evaluating, forever.
Does the thought “woah are they in to me?? nahh of course not no way” every go across your brain? If so here’s the secret: you’re not an egomaniac/narcissist, that idea was shoved into your consciousness for a reason.
You say you don’t want to be “that guy” but you already aren’t. Be nicer to yourself!
I find people are almost always a few notches more socially aware than they think they are. It’s easy to stick to the narrative of complete cluelessness when you start observing things that don’t line up with your self image. Now you still might not know what to do in that situation but that’s a whole different thing 😂
I’ve also thought like what you’re saying, and think “OK, I’m not That Guy, but that’s only because I don’t express my interest in anyone. If I did, then I would”, putting me right back in this mindset.
Are you hetersexual?
Generally, you’ll know if girls are attracted to you if they don’t avoid you and make themselves available to your attention. They’ll give you every opportunity to talk to them. The more you’re interacting with them ‘organically’ (ie your interactions aren’t mostly just you going out of your way to talk to them) the higher the likelihood they like you
The same can also be said of platonic friends.
